Oh, no you’re not. I wrote out a huge sob-fest, but deleted it all. You’re welcome. No really, it was a soggy mess.
I’m just missing my babies terribly, feeling homesick, and nursing huge amounts of guilt for the burden of responsibility I’ve placed on everyone by being broken. I cried a lot yesterday. I can probably blame some of it on cyclical hormones. Carry on. Eat some chocolate for me, will you?
p.s. All Usborne and Barefoot Books orders have been submitted, I’ll let you know when the books arrive and ship out.
xo
Oh, dear. For some reasons you need now this time, and I am sure, that the others, who carry now those extra responsibilities are fine – don’t feel guilty (and you would do the same thing for them, wouldn’t you?)
Try to give yourself some extra attention, some extra time, praying, meditating, thinking. Soon you will be at home again, with all the everyday problems and duties. (and with your lovely family of course :))
Any news about the PFO repair?
(sorry for my english) take care
I never remember, which of my name did I use here :). kiraemoke=Nils Holgersonne=hungarian girl from Austria at the moment
Oh that’s okay – your name and your english! I know who you are when I see your link and your email. Thank you for your kind comment! Still waiting for news about the PFO repair. I hope, hope, hope we’re able to make a plan today.
xx
My mom was sick. All the time. It was hard. Butcha know what? She was not on drugs; my parents were together; we were hometaught; we were born at home; she did not beat me. I learned how to cook, clean, change diapers, drive, milk goats, and garden because she couldn’t. She learned so much about health from researching her own illnesses that we learned to research as well and none of us 7 children go to the docter unless it is for operations. We learned about good nutrition and our own genetic weaknesses. You are doing the same with your kids–handing them a package of skills that they would not have otherwise. Bless you for being human so that the rest of us aren’t blinded by the brilliance of everything else you do.
Julianne, I can’t tell you how much this means, as truly it is my hope for my children and my family. I cried and cried reading your comment. Your last sentence was so kind, too kind, but thank you.
I was sick for years. Remember the atonement. It helps with the guilt and can boost you up. The Lord loves you and is mindful of you. Sometimes a pity party is a form of grieving. I grieved for my lost health for a long time. I’ll be praying you can find and hold peace close to you!
Thank you Angela, I had a good, long into-the-night ‘chat’ with God last night and was able to have a good sleep after that. I’m hoping today is better. xo
No one who is doing anything to help would rather be doing anything else. NO ONE. It is a privilege to love you.
I wish I could scoop your babies up and reunite you all…and I guess I could if you really want me to do so.
When I look at my children and the ramifications of the last 19 months of my broken body on their behavior, learning, development, character, and hearts , my heart almost breaks. They have been neglected in many ways and there is nothing I can do to change that. I get it. I get how much your heart is aching.
Try to remember what Richard said…this is the path you must walk right now. Perhaps that thought will bring some peace.
God will fill in the holes. God will sustain all of you. God will pour down His love upon you. Of that I am certain.
I had forgotten those words about needing to walk this path, thank you for the reminder. Though logically it still feels like a small thing when compared with so many other afflictions and hardships, I am human and can so easily fall into the ‘woe is me’ category. I don’t have to stay there though. I hope today is better. It should be, I already laughed out loud at your first sentence. Okay, no I didn’t laugh, but you make it sound like it’s an honor to scrub my toilets Tracy, and I’m not buying it. :op
It is absolutely an honor. Scout Oath, Pinky Swear, and Blood Sister promise.
Oh, and I know you’d bend over backwards to somehow get my babies down here, but I don’t think it would be wise w/ my mom and sister sick.
Everyone else has already said what I’m thinking, and probably in a much more eloquent way. Just remember that God is holding you every step of the way through this difficult journey, and he has blessed you with so many wonderful people in your life who help you and your family simply because they love you and know you would do the same for them in a heartbeat.
Many hugs and prayers,
Michelle
That is true, I would do the same. Someday I hope I can be on that end of it again. I feel I’ve been on the receiving end far too many times.
Thank you Michelle!
Jess – I know your children are missing you as much as you are missing them – but as one (actually all) of the commenters above said this is what needs to happen right now. Praying for healing, don’t be so hard on yourself,
Love
JoAnn
Thank you JoAnn, I will try.
Hang in there. Things will work out. Thinking about you and yours.
Thanks Allysha, I’m feeling much better this morning (after a long sleep in!)
I totally agree with all the previous posters… it will all work out, and you’ll have some great stories :)
But I also wanted to say that this post helped me realize why I love coming to your site. You truly exude great amounts of faith and hope, regardless of your circumstances. Over the years you have overcome many many things that leave me in awe. Even this very post shows that faith and hope. You deleted the “pity party” post, and instead said exactly how you were feeling — recognizing many of the reasons you may feel that way. The honesty of it all left me breathless. Thanks for being you… and I’ll be sure to have some chocolate for ya. Here’s hoping the rest of your day is bright and sunny :)
Oh my goodness Valena. This comment made me cry, thank you so much.
I’d totally bring balloons to your pity party (and I hate balloons!) but I suspect the party wouldn’t last long because we’d all love you out of the funk =) You are so strong, momma. You’ve been through SO much in the last decade that would bring any mere mortal to their knees and you keep going, getting stronger and more loving and more loved. Your body tells you when to stop and allow yourself some grace and this is one of those times. I know it’s crazy hard to be away from your kids and your sweetie, but they’ll be with you soon and this month will someday just be a blurp in their memories.
let everyone love you and take care of you. There’s nothing more for you to do right now =)
And confetti? Why not make a real party mess, no? :o) I must need so. much. grace. But no, I’m so grateful for all the things I haven’t had to suffer through… though I admit I view the future with a bit of trepidation. What’s next?
Thank you for your kind words Robin, I’m glad to have ‘known’ you all these years…
xx
Sending hugs from Maryland.
Oh Christine, how are you on that soggy east coast? All safe & sound? We’ve been watching the news here and there but a lot of it was so silly, the reporters purposefully wading out into the surf so their shot would look more dramatic. But I’ve seen photos online and it looks like many areas were hit hard. Are you guys okay?
I went over and read, I’m so glad you’re alright and escaped without any flooding!
You are so incredibly kind. Everyone else is saying all the things I can’t come up with, so I’ll leave it at that.
I can’t add anything profound that others haven’t already said better than I could. But- I agree with everyone else:) Grace to you. This is the “grace” we learn about. It covers our shortcomings- even our frail bodies, that we can’t will to be stronger.
Peace from Virginia!
Thanks Katherine, did you guys get slammed by the storm in Virginia?
Nope. We were fine here in Charlottesville (central Virginia). The grocery stores were bare and generators were purchased- all for nothing. My husband has an uncanny ability to predict when I should worry and when I should not. He told me not to worry and he was right.
Jut remember that we are to “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. “(Galatians 6:2). For all the times that you quietly and unexpectedly carried anther’s burden, you are now being blessed with the reciprocity of God’s love. I’m sorry you’re missing your little ones and the peace of your own home and bed. May the answers and fix be quick and may you be surrounded by God’s infinite love while you are away. And of course, yeah for skype and the telephone!
I just feel like the scales are tipped in the wrong direction, you know? Like I’ve had enough of my burdens carried, surely it’s time for me to carry more of others. I wish I had the means to do so. But I know there is good in allowing others to serve me too. I had a friend practically shout at me, “You have to let me do this for you! You can’t deny me the blessings of doing so!” Ha ha, point well taken.
xo
Writing it all out is often the exact therapy one needs. I understand not wanting to post it though. ((( Hugs ))) I’ll eat chocolate for you right now…it is the least I can do.
LOL. Love you Heather!
I actually thought about you first thing this morning.. wondering if you’d get to be with your kids today. Prayers for no more Halloween nights apart though :) Or sick.
We were so hoping I’d be scheduled for the procedure this week, giving my husband an excuse to bring the kids down here for Halloweening. Oh well. I was able to talk to them on the phone and it sounds like they had a great time. Let the sugar frenzy begin! (I bet they’re all sick in a matter of days…)
Bravery and faith regardless of what comes your way is the opposite of broken. Prayers for an amazing outcome that you can add to your testament.
It takes a lot of hard working people to replace you ;)
So sorry you’re going through such a difficult time :(
I just read your excerpt from your writing/novel and I thought it was brilliant!