The Good News My tests have all finally arrived at the doctor’s office! The nurse called me to let me know she’s just waiting to hear what the doctor’s plan is and she’ll let me know. Praying HARD that we have a plan by this afternoon. Maybe I can get the procedure done soon, or maybe I could go home for a while if the appointment is a ways off.
The Weird News Last night was rough. I had the strangest experience, and truthfully some of it could have been a dream as I must have slept some, though fitfully. I normally remember my dreams, and I would call last night ‘dreamless,’ without REM sleep as I saw the clock at nearly every hour until morning, but who knows. I’m fairly certain I was having episodes — we ran out of magnesium oil yesterday so I bathed in epsom salts (magnesium sulfate) before bed, so that should have been alright. Anyway, at one point in the wee small hours, my brain did such a bizarre thing, I was almost sure I was having a seizure of some kind. You know those billboards that are made up of thin, rotating slats so they can show 2 or 3 different ads? My brain felt like it was slatted like that, only instead of gently rotating to a different picture, it flashed, in a really fast, pulsing rhythm. It was like blinds being open and closed, black ‘slats’ or lines across pictures… I remember thinking, “Oh, they are wrong, I am having seizures.” Then everything went white. I don’t know if I had my eyes shut or if I was looking around in the dark? But everything went a really brilliant, pure white. I remember thinking rather calmly, “Oh, this is what’s happening now, I’m going to die.” I wasn’t frightened at all.
There’s a big blank section after that, but I remember ‘coming to’ and having terrible night sweats. At one point it was so bad, I unbuttoned my pajamas and started shoving the bedclothes down my front to soak it all up. I passed out like that (not literally, sleep, I think?) and woke later wondering why I had half the bedsheet stuffed down my front. At some other point during the night, and I don’t know if this was before or after that strange brain stuttering episode, both my arms and hands were numb, and I remember thinking, “Well, that’s not a stroke, because it would only be on one side.”
I never quite had enough wits about me to get up and get help or anything like that, but when I opened my eyes later it was 9 and it felt like any other morning. At least, any other recent morning.
My head feels like it might split in two, though I’ve only had a handful of regular-non-dying-type episodes this morning. But it’s the kind of headache I had on the first day. It hurts all along the top of my head, really, like my skull is being wedged open with a wood splitter.
Strange, no? I suppose I ought to feel frightened, but I don’t, really. I do believe in life after death, but it doesn’t feel like I was ‘going toward the light’ or anything, I mean, I suppose it’s posible, but I’d expect to feel differently or be changed somehow if that happened. Of course, I suppose I nearly died when I hemorrhaged during my D&C, and even listening to the doctor tell me they were losing me, and that it was very dire and ER-tv-show-like, I was unconscious and don’t remember anything, so it was all very surreal. It might be silly, but I suppose I expect something so dramatic as crossing from this life to the next, or even standing on the threshold of death to be a little more… well, dramatic? Maybe it isn’t at all. Maybe it really is as simple as moving from one place to the next.
Either way, in the light of day, it feels very far away. I don’t feel more or less ill, just headachy and very tired. Telling my parents and my sister this morning, and writing it out now, it sounds scarier than it was. I was so out if it last night, I didn’t feel at all panicky. More annoyed? perhaps? that I couldn’t get comfortable and rest.
I wish I had a plan to get this taken care of. Whatever happened last night, it couldn’t have been good health-wise, and I sure wish we could move forward at a quicker pace.
My title for this post is melodramatic because today is the first day of National Novel Writing Month! Happy November, by the way. I’m going to take a stab at writing a pretty terrible fantasy novel, a retelling of Sleeping Beauty, I think. Unless it derails into something else. Are you writing too? Here’s an excerpt of mine, taken from a few of my hundreds of sticky notes. I’ll share chapters here (maybe), if they aren’t too cringe-inducing. Oh maybe I will anyway. It might be fun.
p.s. I searched Flickr for a shutter-type picture that looked like what my brain did during the night, but I couldn’t find one. This picture looked kind of dreamy, so I chose that one. I didn’t take the picture, it’s from here, licensed under a creative commons license that allowed me to use it in this post. Sounds like they kept the camera shutter open on a Disneyland ride to achieve the effect :o)